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Tonal Nagual

Tonal Nagual. Tonal is the knowable world, the world of named things. Nagual is beyond names and categories, limitless. The Nagual is the completely transformed, completely free human being.

The Toltec Nagual Koyote the Blind spoke to some of us on Tuesday about those parts of us that oppose the Work of transformation. Since then, I have been confronting that part of me.

In this lifetime, my resistance takes the form of a polarity of shame and domination. There is a law about in the world that says there is a difference between male and female, between killing and giving life, and that those differences are external, depending on something outside of me. Long, long ago I bought that lie in an attempt to be lovable to my mom. But because I am chaos and void, all I have been able to create since then is a polarity. This is the bubble I must break through.

To the world at large, I am shameless, rebellious, willing to create waves. But in intimate contact, the self-loathing and shame of being everything and nothing, hunter and hunted, lover and Beloved, too much and not enough, has nowhere to hide. The lie is uncovered now.

My personality has a paranoia built in, a state of being beside myself, never at ease, because it exists precisely as a condom between the world and the unspeakable and holy annihilation- in-union that I am. Never at ease, always needing to apologize or, in another side of the binary, to dominate. The dominating aspect of my personality, is the enemy of shame, demanding and expecting complete submission to its every whim. The tyrant cannot comprehend anything going against his wishes. It infuriates him, enrages him.

My persistent proneness to temper when under stress is the downscaling of my noble Mars in Aries and many other powers connected with it. It's all about me controlling, me directing, me owning the power, me dominating, and if anyone wants to get close enough where they might be able to smell my body's forbidden and shameful access to the powers of creation well, maybe it's better if I continually create drama to disrupt the possibility of our getting close, so you don't have to become my beaten slave. This is the program that has been running for all these years.

I am no longer a slave to the program because I know how to disarm it temporarily. But that knowing how to disarm it had lulled me into a false sense of freedom. I thought more or less I no longer had a shadow. I was wrong.

Now, thanks to Koyote, I am confronting the shame that is like a gaping wound I cannot hide. I am confronting the dominator who claims he created the wound, who threatens to create many more, so that he does have to identify with the wound.

As I am in myself, these two are not two, but one; nay, are none. I am a male with my own power generator. I am sexual, erotic, devilish, angelic. I occupy, literally and physically, the place where no categories hold. I am fallen, but I occupy in my own body the moment before the fall, uniting both moments in myself. I bring redemption from the depths of darkness.

I state as my True Will to abandon fake weakness and fake strength. They do not exist. I move under real power only.

 Eric N. Peterson is a Toltec priest and member of The Tequihua Foundation, a Riverside, Southern CA nonprofit whose mission is to continue the ancient consciousness-transforming arts of the Toltecs. The Aka Dua is an energy prepared by a particular Toltec line. The Aka Dua assists in the alchemical process of transformation by which an ordinary human becomes the shaman.

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